I finally came to terms tonight, on my way home from a lovely party with lots of wonderful people and really good times, with the fact that I am really, really fucking lonely, and(as the evening's Hostess would say) that sucks big, fat rocks with rusty, broken braces.
Lonely is stupid. It's not the wrenching sting of a breakup, or the agonizing build of a Really Bad Day; it's the dull ache that colors everything you do and everyone you are with. It's completely unnecessary! It's a waste of precious energy and mind power, and yet it seems unavoidable. It bleeds into every moment and refuses to let you enjoy things as they come to you. And it's quite seriously unattractive.
When I first moved to Philadelphia I had a built-in network of people; friends and colleagues and interesting places to cultivate more of the same. In San Francisco, I'm starting basically from scratch. The few people I've connected to are still trying to decide if I'm even worth the effort, since they already have well-established social circles of their own, and who can blame them? I know the last thing anyone wants to deal with is a desperate, lonely person.
I'm like a gardener, eating seeds and hoping to taste fruit. I want so badly to connect to someone, to know that I'm in the same place as anyone else around me, but I'm getting impatient, and that's just stupid. I don't know why I can't just get over myself like I have so many times before and just be grateful for where I am and what I'm trying to do with my life.
I know I have to take this for what it is and recognize that it's only a part of the process. But damn it, I'm just so fucking tired of being alone...
Saturday, June 22nd, 3:42am
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