This is my tale of Theater Love.
There is an amazing, terrible, bittersweet thing that happens sometimes in theater when an actor finds herself playing a romantic role and begins to realize, perhaps in preparations for the role that she is... a bit more susceptible to amorousness... possibly far more susceptible than she could have ever considered. Perhaps it takes her by surprise one night not too far into the process of rehearsals; this wildly giddy and unfamiliar euphoria that smacks of middle school fawning, of doodling hearts in notebooks and sing-songing, smiling even more than is considered normal for a positively charged person, bursting into giggles for no apparent reason at the strangest of times... this tragically freeform, whimsical affectation of affection that bleeds into every aspect of her world, even moreso than the addictive love of Theatre itself, like a tab of E dipped in cocaine with a Speed chaser... a hopelessly cloying mania of stardust and and rainbows and saccharine sickness... Fucking pathetic. Somewhere in my psyche a goth lies screaming in pain.
* * * * *
I was a big Oscar Wilde fan from a young age. I think I first read The Importance of Being Earnest when I was ten. I loved how snarky the characters were, and how stupidly romantic everyone involved seemed to be.
I was instantly in love with Gwendolen because I could relate to her very well. She had a very overbearing mother who expected her to follow every direction given, but instead of cowing she was a hopeless romantic who had very direct intentions of her own, and once she made up her mind she was as stubborn as her mother. One of my (many) favorite lines was "I never change, except in my affections."
Not so long ago, I was given an opportunity to play Gwendolen; something I was honestly not expecting despite auditioning and being called back. I was already so in love with the character that it was all I could do to beg my boss to rearrange my schedule so I could rehearse and eventually perform. Being absolutely awesome, he granted my indulgence, and the play was on!
My Ernest was an incredibly talented dude who taught martial arts. We had read together at the callback and had fantastic chemistry in the scene so I was really happy that I was working with him again. The rest of the cast was brilliant and fun and we were all ready to make Great Theatre. Little did I know what I would be putting myself through...
Gwen is easily my favorite role of all time. I had somehow forgotten how much I studied her when I first read the script all those years ago, but it had all come back to me. I had such a definitive idea of who she was before I even started, and thank the Gods my director was cool with that. Aside from the line about requiring tea, she pretty much gave me free reign to indulge my vision. I was probably setting myself up for disaster by being so wide open through the process.
Every time I got onstage to play Gwen, I was instantly a lovesick schoolgirl; restrained only by the formality of the day and the particulars of the scene. As we worked the show, I found myself spending more and more time in Gwen's head, and I guess it was just natural that she found her way into mine. I would find myself daydreaming about the next time I was onstage doing that scene or that set of dialogue. Mostly, I would find myself thinking about Ernest.
I was in love with Ernest. Not the story, not my character, but Me. I was always aware that this aching crush was completely fictional, and not rooted in reality, but somehow that did not diminish the painful bliss of losing myself to Eros. I found it harder and harder to see the actor behind the character when we were on stage, and I hope I did a decent enough job of not letting anyone know about my conflicting feelings. The night I woke up from a very strange and sexy dream about him, I asked a very dear and sagacious theater friend what to do. She just shrugged.
"You're in Theater Love," she said. "Sometimes that happens. When you go deep with a character, sometimes it gets a little bit real, and so do the emotions involved. Enjoy it, but don't take it off of the stage."
She thought for a minute, then followed up. "Unless he's down, then nail him, hard. After the show closes, of course."
Frankly there was never any indication that our relationship off stage would ever be anything but friendly, nor did I expect or even really desire it to be in my rational mind, and for that I was grateful.
It was terribly hard to do anything outside of the show. I was for all intents and purposes in Love. I couldn't focus on anything for more than a few minutes before I started thinking about how wonderful my Ernest was. How his eyes lit up when I made my entrance. How tenderly he held my hand, and found excuses to touch my shoulder or arm whenever we were in the same room. Of course, not all of my intentions were purely chaste, but I was living for what I could get from the scene work. It was like dealing with identical twins; I loved the actor like a brother, but I wanted his character to throw me down onto the fainting couch and ravish me, audience or no.
When we finally got to the point in the rehearsal process where we had to actually kiss, there was a palpable tension for the first time ever between us. I was terrified; would this be my undoing? Once those lips met mine there was no turning back. Would I finally break and spill my heart's desire for the fictional person he was portraying? Would I ruin the fantastic working relationship we had by admitting the ordeal I was working through? Without too much folderol we came together, our lips met, and it was over. I didn't fall to a million pieces. I didn't scream or cry or throw myself at him. I wasn't cured from my infatuation, but at least now I knew I could survive it without doing anything I would regret.
Aside from one aborted attempt to duet "Come What May" after rehearsal one night, I felt I was pretty successful in hiding my turmoil overall, and despite opening the show with a 102° fever, we had a fantastic run. There was so little backstage drama aside from my own personal nonsense I was actually stunned. Maybe I should fall in Theater Love every time I do a show...
Oh, and my boyfriend thought the whole thing was adorable.
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